domingo, 9 de agosto de 2009

Baby Momma

It has been a ridiculous and unacceptable amount of time since my last blog post. I guess that's just a testament to the life I have led post Spain. Seriously though, I've been taking to the fridge and the bar to entertain myself lately, which is fine I guess, but doesn't excuse my lack of hilarious blog postings.

In reality, though, nothing much has been going on. I did, however, want to share a little story that scared the living S.H.I.T. out of my 21-year-old self.

I went up to Ithaca, NY, to visit my lovely BFFAEAEAEAE, who is working at the Hangar Theater for the summer (another reason I'm bored as hell... we've spent every summer since 5th grade together... I'm not bitter). Of course, since she works at a theater, it would only be logical for me to catch some shows while I'm there. We all know I love a cultural experience.

The last show I saw up there was a children's show about Paddington the Bear. What a great guy. Really though, the show was fun, although I was basically the only one not wearing a diaper and/or slobbering all over my bib. Afterwards, all the little kiddies and their mommies were outside the theater getting autographs from the actors. Adorable, right? Right. Well, adorable until this little kid starts running around in front of me in what seemed to be socks with rubber soles. In the very same instant I was admiring this toddler's choice in fashionable footwear, a voice behind me:

"Excuse me? Is that your son?"

Oooh, I KNOW YOU ARE NOT TALKING TO ME RIGHT NOW, LADY.

But alas, she was.

"Is that your son?"
Me, jaw actually resting on the floor, barely able to speak: "...No...?"
"Oh, well I really like his shoes, I was going to ask where you got them."

LADY.
ARE YOU REAL? I mean.... First of all, I am 21 years old and, honestly, I've always thought I looked young for my age. You mean to say I look like I could have BIRTHED this child? Then my mind started racing... Am I really that fat? Do I look like a soccer mom? Should I throw away this outfit and erase this moment from my mind? Then I studied the child closer and wondered how she could have even thought a red-haired, blue-eyed child could even come from my womb (dear GOD that's frightening). What an idiot.

Needless to say, I was in shock for a few hours afterward, awkwardly staring at myself in the mirror and making sure I didn't look like I should be carrying a diaper bag or a Baby Bjorn or whatever the hell moms have these days... I don't know because I'M NOT A MOM. And it's not happening for a million years. Maybe even a zillion. Seriously, though, I am freaked out so much by the idea of settling down and having mini-me's that this woman's honest mistake made me consider finding the nearest ledge.

I'm never growing up.

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